everythings

coming back I don't like it
I have flashbacks about it when I go to bed
Some mornings I wake up crying
I wish I could shut down
But I can't

why isn't she still here?
why didn't I go see her for the last time?
why did I not have the bottle to go to the hospital at 5:00am

The only day I remember vivdly is that day
I can tell what happened leading up to it
I can even tell you where I was when I got told

I don't I've gotten over it
and I'm scared that I won't

And I'm scared to tell my Dad how I feel about it all
So I will tell my followers instead

Cos you are my closest and best friends okay.

THANKS BABES'S

yo baby can I get another lapdance

I have neglected this too much so I will post one at the end of every month to make up for it in some way starting from this month thanks Emma for the idea babes :D :D

Yeah I will get back to posting :D

cold as a winters day , hot as a summers eve

ah past few weeks have been alreet tbh , a few bad days here and there but still i have a feeling 2010 is my year , idk why i have a feeling that something good is going to happen.

also yesterday i recieved my first valentines day card from alice , i have never had one before , how depressing :

anyways yesterday davey left so the double film lesson was just fun as we went to the drama hall dressed up and mucked on with face paints it was cool!

but tomorrow should be good i have £20 to last me this week! it should last me , hope it does , i actually can't wait to get drunk tomorrow , i'll just get a trebble and a shot that should do the trick!

this was such a pointless update ahahaha still it needed to be updated!

i

take back what i said before , i understand that my dad could have just fucked off when things got shit but he didn't , i do understand that he is trying to teach me how to manage my monies , then i just throw it back in his face.

i will change my spedning ways , i will , i will , I WILL!

i love blogs they get everything off my chest!

yo yo

alreeeeeeet! been nearly a week since i updated this badboy ;) , this week has been okay i guess, i cried on the bus today lmao me being silly and what not. oh and in film we watched slumdog millionaire i didn't think it were going to be my cup of tea tbh!

tomorrow is alice's birthday party/gathering thing it should be gooooood crack!

anyways this post came from the new computer ;D

where the dream woulda been if the boys got clean

ah today was good , i took my brother to school and then came back to do my hair , i decided to wear my hair up i loved the way my fringe was looking today i liked it curlyish , then i set off to leyla's to do my coursework honsently i can't concerntrate in my own house too many distractions but i wrote loads like 2 and a bit pages about Take That lyrics :D

then i went in for dinner discovered my dad had given me no crisps ahaha but leyla owed me a pound so i bought some , then i had enrichment/tutor then we had to go to a talk in the exam hall eee i couldn't stop creasing what made it worse was that someone had wrote on the desk the bbc1 daytime tele schedule saying watch flog it at 11:30 am every week day LMAO!

after this me and leyla ventured into town and talked about films and stuff it has actually never occured to me how much i love british films , they are so much better than blockbusters tbh mainly because they contain more realism i think that is because i like Shane Meadows and Danny Boyle. if you get the chance watch their work!

oh and before i worked out that i am gunna spend roughly £44 on dvd's outta my £100 bonus still i need the hangover & trainspotting in particular! oh god i love them films!

you know that i'm no good

today was good tbh , on friday i had slept at leyla's she was dying her hair with bleech so i decided to get a strand done it looks lush but leyla's hair did look nice too the blue was gorgeous.

also yesterday night while at leyla's i began to read this book called New Boy i read 5 chapters , the chapters are so short which is good as i have began to read again but i left it at leyla's along with my deodourant , perfume and body spray so i'll wait till monday to get them back or something.

i will post the pictures of the dying of the hair on facebook in a bit with a few other photos from this year so far.

plus i am sick of the snow and general cold , like yeah fair enough it got me out of college but still i have been bored inside tbh :/

first

Day off i have ever had due to weather it has been good actually i got up at 11:45 , i am so lazy then at about one i watched Donnie Brasco. i enjoyed it but it was too similar to The Departed which put me off a bit tbh but overall i enjoyed it it had Jonny Depp and Al Pacino in .

After watching Donnie Brasco i sorted out my shelf which has my favourite dvds on , then i decided to put on Casanova it is rather good it is the only period drama thing i actually like i think it is mainly due to the the fact that it is mainly about sex and has David Tennant in ahahah :')

I hope and pray that i get my EMA tomorrow i need it for Saturday cos if i don't get i can't go out if not i might ask leyla to lend me some ahahah :')

Anyways i leave with this video this the only fan video of The Mighty Boosh i actually like tbh!

:D

college is closed because of thee snow exciteded plus it was this afternoon so yeah i have had 2 days off this week so yeah hopefully me , leyla , alice and emma will be going sledging tomorrow due to the huge amount of snow may aswell take advantage.

plus on saturday i am going out to town should be good it's david's 19th and i am meeting someone who only the other day offered to have sex for me i am not scared or anything it's just i barely know him so i said no just before but i'll still see him on saturday and we are just going to be friends good times.

also it's my 18th in june i really want a blackberry or something designer plus i need to sort out th enight out i will be having in the next few months like taxis , whose staying over , whose coming to my aunties which all my family will be in attendance ahaha embrassing for me because only leyla has met my family.

oh and KATY PERRY & RUSSELL BRAND ARE ENGAGED WTF! IT BEST NOT LAST! ahahah i am so nice i hope he doesn't change his act to suit her if he does he won't be the same.

first blog of 2010

i had a nice xmas tbh :) , today at college was good , i wrote under the word count for my film essay though by like 200 words, still i enjoyed college today and tomorrow i am in till 11:10 i might stay for dinner idk! i probs will though i enoy lunchtime banter tbh.

i realised that i have no new years resolutions :/ well i would make one but it seems impossible so i won't go into to detail! ;)

i feel as if i want to write more but i can't :(
i am reading more and more of my book it has just took me under a month to read 244 pages i hope to finish it tonight then i can lend it to leyla , then alice who bought me it!

oh how i love this book , i really wanna add the author on facebook ahaha :')

mmm lush

dean has blocked me again on msn
stupid louise talking to him
SHE KNOWS I FUCKING LIKE HIM!
GAH!

like i mean looka what was being said last week:

Dean Jolly Louise Lowen just reminded me of a most epic poem and now its stuck in my head xD and my soul shall be lifted quoth the raven: nevermore! xD


20 December at 21 yessssss! :D personally I think the simpsons version trumps the original =p
20 December at 21:32Louise Lowen yay! xD i've been quoting it for days!

20 December at 21:Dean Jolly Haha! what like...randomly at ppl!? *walks down street* YOU THERE!!...once upon a midnight dreary as I pondered week and weary! *manic smile*

20 December at 21:35Louise Lowen lmao! noo, just like slipping into conversations xD 'Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December'

20 December at 21:36Dean Jolly so its some sort of sinister subliminal messaging! ...i like it! xD
20 December at 21:41Louise Lowen i think i did actually scare my mam at one point xD

20 December at 21:46Dean Jolly bahaha!! :D

20 December at 21:51Louise Lowen simpsons version! http://www.fanpop.com/spots/halloween/videos/2450364/title/simpsons-version-poes-raven
im so sad xD

20 December at 22:01Dean Jolly that coulndt be any more awesome unless we laminated the awesome to preserve the awesomess xD xD

minus the last few comments wtf! SHE NEVER TALKS TO HIM!
WTF WTF WTF!

rate my life

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	5.6
Mind:	4.8
Body:	5.6
Spirit:	5.5
Friends/Family:	5.4
Love:	2
Finance:	5.9
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

xmas :)

this what i got ayeeeee!

• Laptop ( had it since august)
• Both of the Take That books
• Cardigan
• Elliot Minor Hoody
• Hoody from New Look
• The Mighty Boosh Future Sailors Limited Edition Tour DVD
• Tim Minchin SO Fucking Rock Live DVD
• Public Enemies DVD
• Money - £70
• Dickies Backpack
• Bobbi Brown Make Up Voucher Thing
• Russell Brand Scandoulous DVD
• Take That Present The Circus Live CD
• Sony 12.1 megapixel camera
• Sweets
• Bath Stuff
• PJ'S
• New Pair Of Plimsoles
• Lee Stafford Shampoo
• SkullCandy Headphones
• Lady Ga Ga Ticket
• HIM Ticket
• Bed Socks
• New Underwear
• Body Sprays
• Starbucks Gift Card
• Bed Socks
• Socks
• Pens

and tomorrow i am hitting the sales to find:

xbox 360 games , Take That Calendar , Ipod Dock & DVD'S :D

it's actually

pretty pathetic that the majority of my film class are fucking lick arses and fail to be mature and accept other people's likes because they themselves don't like it. ergh film was shite today we had to do a quiz but i was in a group with leyla and emma we had the best questions , but when it came to answering them the other side of the room were like aw it's some asian i felt saying open your fucking eyes the world doesn't relvolve around you and what you like ffs just grow up nathan you sad fucking cunt your meant to be 18 not fucking 8.

also callum who feels the need to argue over what i find attractive in a man decides to make racist remarks like writing chinq on a piece of paper jesus you are narrow fucking minded you basically crawl up nathan's arse it's laughable tbh eee i love it when he argues with me though i have so many put downs for him but i won't say them because one of them is pretty harsh. well actually i'll share it with you lot well he calls pete doherty a tramp and my response to that would be atleast he can pronounce his fucking s's unlike you ahaha booyah!

basically this blog has been about my film class and how vile the majority are i needed to vent that last bit!

i really

need to get this off my chest before it stays there till i forget about it! , ever since sunday the day my Mother died has been on repeat in my head honsently it's horrible it seems like the date she died was just being dragged out over 2 days. the frightening thing is that it was too vivid , to this day i will always remember where i was and when i got that phone call actually i can tell you it right now; the phonecall was at 4:00am , she died at 10:00am , also the day before she died i could have visted her in hospital for the last time which was the 19th i didn't go as i had coursework. i wish i had of still she said my education was more important!

also on sunday my 4 year old cousin told my brother to go see my mother in heaven , my auntie fucking apeshite and so did my grandmother , my brother cried , i cried and my father was close to crying , i know he's only 4 and that he doesn't understand but honsenlty i have never wanted to hurt someone that bad before , seriously i just wanted to throw the table over and walk out. but i didn't i sat and cried instead how pathetic over what a 4 year old said jesus thought i was made of stronger stuff man!

i know i can't dance but i can dance on ya

today was really good , i woke up at 11 which meant a had a lotta sleep good times! , then at about 12 i made my to the chippy for my dinner the scary man who i seen last week on my to college was there i was like shitting myself honsently i had my headphones in so it was okay!

oh then i set off to leyla's she was writing her blog when i got there then she finally got ready then we deicded that we wanted to bake honsently it was random , then we met emma and went to ASDA but before this we got the majoriy of the cooking powder stuff for like £1.35 bloody bargin!

then when we got back we made our stuff i just made a mess really i can't bake cos i am so unorganised! ahaha then we sat and watched the x factor ahhh buzzing that olly's through man joe better not win then that means i lose my bet! ahahaha

currently i am watching the comedy awards so many shite shows have won already honsently who the fuck even watches outnumbered gah!

on the plus side i break up for college on thursday and i recieve my gifts as well! i'm excited oh and louise's gifts have went somewhere but i can't find them! i'll search sometime tomorrow plus i have to wrap leyla's gift!

oh and tomorrow the tree is going up good times we have the coolest baubles ahaha toy story bauble ftw! :D

pink plastic jesus on the dashboard

yo yo! today was good tbh i had double media first which was a howl as always we had to go on this website and type in our postcodes to see what products advertisers would sell to people within the postcode my was so bad ahaha it was mainly low's and mediums ahahaha :')

then i had tutor which is a huge skive cos i aint applying to uni till next year so i aint gunna bother with it till when i need to which will be this time next year! , then i relaised that leyla will be going to uni next year i will miss her like really really badly i only realised that she is leaving in just under a year or so i will be gutted when she goes. still i promise that i will see her as often as i can with the crew ahhh still at least not everyone will be moving away still alice is going to newcastle , idk what emma is doing and laurie is just getting a jobn or something! i don't know wether to look for a job that involves something to do with the field of work i wanna go into or go to tyne met on the coast road to do health and social care with all the chavs ergh. i'll have a think about it then on top of thius i have to get my science GCSE which i need oh it's times like this that i wish i didn't muck about in science.

after all this i sat on the computers and waited for leyla to finish english as emma had went somewhere within tutor. still bus journey home was a hoot ahahah me and leyla just sat and laughed about things and talked about festivals and such i really wanna go to a festival next summer like reading or something.

atm i an sat watching my take that dvd which is love ooooft how i want to marry jason orange among other famous men who are 30+ ooooft also i realised that i pulled a bloke who was 2 years younger than noel fielding so if it works on the 34 year old why wouldn't it work on noel ooooft i must i find him somehow when i go to London which i hope will be sometime next year or before hand.

also the Russell Brand Skinned documentary is on at 10 mmmmm i love that man i nealry met him if it wasn't for some obese fucking man! seriously i was so so so close to russell i coulda met him then that woulda ment that i met one of my idols but no some obese bloke had to be in my way i was gutted :(

to end on a positive note i am seeing bunny and the bull tomorrow should be immense paul king directed it he dorects the mighty boosh plus noel and julian are in it :D :D :D also so i moss from the IT Crowd i am excited to see it tbh :) kinda makes up for noel's tour being cancelled!

let's just see how it goes

yo! today was fun in a way but not as funny as yesterday ahah yesterday was really really good i took part in a massive photoshoot with props and stuff i really enjoyed it :) i wanna do it every week tbh :D

well today i had double film me & leyla decorated the wall with pictures we now own that wall. also we watched amercian beauty it's really good so far! plus lester looks fit in it as well as ricky fittz LOL :'), also i had english we had a supply so the whole class got up and left lmafo it was hiliarse.

oh and tomorrow i am going to town really early to do xmas shopping i have a few bits to get well actually i'll list who i'm buying for:
- Dad
- Alex
- Leyla
- Sandra
- Auntie Ali
- Auntie Cathryn
- Grandma Noreen
- Grandma Margraet

yeah i have 70 or 60 quid in the bank i'm not sure so i'll check tomorrow but i'll get leyla's next week i think, hopefully i'll get the majoritiy tomorrow though! :)

plus it's nearly xmas i am excited i have mainly asked for films and stand up comedy dvd's says lot really don't it!

ah i might watch the end of americian beauty before i go watch tv in bed!

i have so much to tell you

friends thing sorry if i offend!

Leyla- i love how smart you are , and how when i have a probelm i can come to you straight away no matter what the time is , i love how open you are with everything and how we can talk about everything and anything, i like how we have meet each others families and how we class each other as family as well as best friends, we've been through the good the bad and the worse. Also i like how we have been on loads of holidays together with our families i really enjoy them, finally i love how the majority of people think we are twins lmafo :')

Emma- i love that you aren't afraid to show emotions i wish i could be like that when you cried at the boy in stripped pj's i was like i wish i could cry at something like that. Also i like that you recommend me music which i usually wouldn't listen to on a day to day basis. However i don't like it when we fall out over silly things.

Alice- i have only known you a year but jesus christ it feels like more , i like how we can tell each other pretty much anything. However i don't like that you rarely come out on nights out and stuff.

Laurie- i have known you for a year and i like how we are friends but i can't help thinking that i don't really know a lot about you.

Ashie- i love that when we do see each other which aint very often we have a whale of a time , like when we met tim minchin and went to that shields festival and just made reet tits out of ourselves.

Louise- you have changed so much even i have begin to notice, you rarely talk to me anymore wtf did i do wrong apart from get stabbed in the fucking back by you and your fucking lies.

David- i like how funny you are and how we sit and talk about random babble and make up the best chat up lines ahahaha.

Dean- i have got to know a canny bit about you over the past 3 months, and we have only just starting talking face to face for not that long, but then all that just stopped things got awakward i didn't want to ask about her because i didn't want to seem to obessive, still fuck it, i just want things to go back to how they were , but they won't cos you have left college and shit now, and you won't see this thank god!

Nadine- i like how you have just returned back into my life , it takes me back to the times we had in food tech and year 11 they were good times.